he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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