I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
