why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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