I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
