You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
