Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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