a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
