also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
