Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
