my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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