At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
