On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
