i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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