Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
