woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
