Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
