I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
