As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Randomize
