Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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