im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
