You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
