he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
