# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
