i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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