can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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