look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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