theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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