They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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