Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
