"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
