please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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