I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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