Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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