i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
