The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
