If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
