Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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