You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
