she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
well, you know. whores of a feather.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
