im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
