i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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