I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Randomize
