took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
