gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Are my feet made of real feet?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
