The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
