you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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