is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
