it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
