Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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