I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
