I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
