I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
