At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
