Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
