When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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