Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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