living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
