im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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