If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
