you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
