Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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