No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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