you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
