That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
