I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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