Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
