Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
