I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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