I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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