please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize